| As I settle in to my annual ritual of ignoring the | | | | underwear. I think skaters should have a message |
| Superbowl while feigning interest at work, I | | | | written on their underwear for this portion of the |
| thought this would be a good time to reexamine | | | | show. Perhaps, "Pick me!" or "Hi Mom!" or |
| many of our popular past times. It seems to me | | | | "Sponsored by Arm and Hammer." |
| that many of them could do with a little tweeking: | | | | Running |
| Soccer | | | | Running should be conducted on a high tech track |
| Soccer would be more fun to watch & take | | | | that moves in the opposite direction of the |
| more strategy to play if each team has 3 goals | | | | runners so that the runners don't appear to be |
| they had to defend, spread around the perimeter | | | | running away, and the audience always has the |
| of the field. | | | | runners directly in front of them. You'd be able to |
| Football | | | | watch all the details of the race right in front of |
| Football helmets should be attached to shoulder | | | | you. It might be a little freaky for the |
| pads in a one-piece armored suit that contains | | | | competitors, if they looked to the side and saw |
| super shock absorbers. The intent would be to | | | | that no matter how fast they ran the seated |
| eliminate brain and other serious injuries. | | | | audience was always next to them. |
| Boxing | | | | Basketball |
| Boxing should be virtual. Each player has a 3-D | | | | It would be hard to improve basketball, but I think |
| holographic avatar of him/herself, controlled by | | | | that attaching elastic bungee cords from the |
| electrodes attached to a full body suit. Points are | | | | ceilings to the players might be fun. Then there |
| scored by skillful boxing, with no broken noses, | | | | would be practically no limit on how high they |
| concussions, or bitten off ears. | | | | could jump. |
| Ballet | | | | Badminton |
| In the event that boxing and football are banned | | | | It should be called "Goodminton." Then it wouldn't |
| some day due to people coming to grips with | | | | scare off so many people. |
| how damaging they are, they should be replaced | | | | Squash |
| by full contact ballet - beautiful, yet brutal. | | | | Something should actually get squashed. |
| Swimming | | | | Baseball |
| The viscosity of the water should be increased as | | | | Calling it "the American pastime" is a marketing |
| the swimmers near the finish line, until they are | | | | mistake, since it sounds like it's past time that |
| barely moving through a thick sludge. | | | | Americans should be interested in it. I suggest |
| Golf | | | | calling it, "softball on steroids." |
| Random golf balls should be rigged to explode. | | | | Polo |
| Penguins should be incorporated into the game. | | | | Relying on another species to play a game seems |
| Players should be allowed to tickle each other. | | | | bizarre to me. What do the horses think about |
| One hole on the Green should be infested with | | | | this? They are trained to spend their lives |
| poisonous snakes. Anything to make it interesting | | | | functioning in a way that makes no sense in |
| to watch. | | | | terms of survival behavior. I suggest that we let |
| Tae Kwan Don't | | | | another species ride us around in some strange |
| For those who don't like Tae Kwan Do. | | | | ritualistic manner that we can't understand. |
| Figure Skating | | | | Perhaps beavers could cling to our necks, force us |
| For some reason, there's an obligatory crotch | | | | to run circles around trees and down to the river |
| shot in figure skating, when the skater is obliged | | | | where they would slap the water with strips of |
| to skate in front of the judges with one leg in the | | | | bark. Other beavers would sit around us in a circle |
| air so they can get a good view of her | | | | making excited beaver noises. |